Either way, it's still work. And Day 9.

At small group yesterday, some of the girls were talking about the struggles of being a working mother. Now, I quit my job almost two years ago to stay home with the kids, so I've definitely had to think much less about the never ending strife of a working mom. However, the four plus years of being a working, commuting mom definitely took its toll on me. So when Macalla asked how the working mom does it, I answered with the only thing that made sense to me:

"You do neither job particularly well"

I remember struggling to focus at work, zoning out during meetings, passing up opportunities of promotions and more challenging work. I'd rush through the day in order to catch the first train that left the city. Once at home, I'd obsess about cleaning up the trail left by the kids, husband and mother-in-law. I would attempt to spend quality time with the children, while also craving solace and peace in my room, away from the bustle and mayhem of my chatty  MIL. At work, I felt unmotivated and sluggigh. At home, I felt leeched and worn. At neither place was I at my best. At neither job did I excel. At neither job did I even really try. I had just barely the energy to be good enough. Good enough was not really acceptable at my job and my children definitely deserved more from their mother than just mediocre, just good enough.

So when I got pregnant with Wesley, I decided that I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't make myself wake up daily at 4:15, to begrudgingly ride the train to Seattle. To sit in an office instead of playing outside with my kids. To have my elderly MIL care for three children. I couldn't go through life half assed anymore. I wanted to be able to be a good mother to my children, a better wife to my husband.

To clarify, I never felt like bad mother because I worked. I worked out of necessity and even at times I felt a sense of pride in my job. I didn't necessarily choose to work but I know many women who do. I hold no judgement for mothers who work  and who have successful, lucrative careers and are the main breadwinners of their family. In fact, I am in awe of women who are able to reach that level of career success with happy, healthy families, and yes, I do in fact know many women who have been able to balance their lives in this way.

But for me, I craved the time at home with my children. I went back to work when Evelyn was 12 weeks old. Oliver was 11 weeks old when my maternity leave ended. I didn't want to have to leave another tiny baby at home while I went off to a job I didn't really even particularly love. I wanted to be the one to wake up and make breakfast for my kids, to drive them to preschool and to put them down for naps. When I was working, I felt like I had no control over what my  kids did during the day. No matter how much I nagged my MIL or husband, they just couldn't do things the way I preferred. I just wanted to be home with them full time.  So in April 2008, I quit my job and became a Stay at Home Mom.

And so here I am.

The life of a SAHM in itself has been a challenge and let no woman tell you that it is easy to stay home all day long with your beautiful, demanding children. That being said, the role of a SAHM is none the easier just because I'm not leaving the house everyday to work. I just get to work in sweats. The pay kind of sucks though.  But I get paid in memories right? Wah Wah. Ha. But I'll save the woes of the SAHM for another post.


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Day 9: I'm getting into the groove with Level 2. The hardest obstacle for me is trying to get Oliver out of my way as I attempt some pushups. He was kind enough to support me during the workout and tried some of the moves himself. Very cute.

Next is Level 3. I'm scurred...

BTW, I just made some brownie spoon pudding and ate about 1/4 of it. OH YEAH.