Fears and unanswered questions

I'm trying not to let this consume me but I keep thinking about what happened at Evelyn's school. A million thoughts keep going through my mind as I replay back the events of today. I wonder who would have noticed if she was missing. I mean, if John and I hadn't followed the bus to school, who would have known she'd even made it there on the bus? As parents, how are we to even know if our kids make it to the school via the bus on the first place. Sure, buses are touted as safe rides for children of all ages. We were assured at the school open house that special care and attention would be given to all the kindergarteners.

Well, if this is their idea of special care and attention....

How does something like this even happen?? I mean, obviously no one even noticed my little four year old girl wandering the halls upstairs alone until an announcement was made. If we weren't there to draw attention to this issue, would the announcement have been made at all? Who would have known to look for a little girl in a purple jacket, a little girl named Evelyn Bang?

No one would have noticed. No one would have even known.

So how am I supposed to comfortably send her back there, day after day? How do other parents do this? How do I let go so my children can grow up and become strong, independent adults? How do I let go when everything within me wants to lock them up in the house and homeschool them - er, if I were that kind of parent, of course. Heh.

This parenting thing... how do people do it.

I really don't know.

Only the first day and I'm traumatized

Update: After discussing things with John, we both feel it is best for my sanity in everyone's best interest if we drive Evelyn to school and pick her up. I ended up picking her up today in front of her classroom and felt relief when I saw her heading out of the class wandering to the left straight for me. Maybe we'll try the bus another day. Or never. Whatever.

***

The day started off innocently enough. I rolled out of bed a little before 7 and jumped in the shower. My stomach felt jittery with anticipation and dread. Today was the day my baby was going to kindergarten.

I had a hard time getting Evelyn to wake up at 7:20 and had to sternly lecture her a few times as she struggled to pull her pants on and whined about not wanting me to wash her face and curl her hair. She managed a few bites of waffles and eggs before it was time to head over to the bus stop. My original plan was to walk with her while John met us with the car. However due to being behind schedule (Evelyn is the slowest eater, btw), we all ended up driving over together.

We spent a few nervous minutes taking pictures and chatting with Evelyn while in line for the bus. When it finally came time to get on the bus, she shyly stepped forward, turned around and gave us a wave. On my tip toes, I could see her tiny self settle into the second seat behind the driver. She stood up so she could see us and we all waved like mad people until the bus left us. The minute she stepped on the bus with her giant backpack attached, I started to cry. I was so overwhelmed to see her getting on this huge bus without us.


I'm going to miss her all day long.

(The sweet part of the story ends here)

Once the bus sped off, John and I jumped in the car and tailgated the bus through another 5 or 6 monotonous pick ups before it headed over to the school. During the drive, John and I chatted about our little girl, hoping she was doing ok on the bus. Hoping she wasn't getting sick. Hoping she wasn't crying.


When the bus finally pulled up to the school, John ran to meet her as she was getting off the bus while I went to the classroom to wait for their arrival.

But the arrival never happened.

Apparently when John reached the bus, he saw the older student already exiting and heading into the building. We were under the impression that the youngest students would be dismissed off the bus first and then escorted to their appropriate classes but he thought maybe today they were going to get off last. So he waited... and waited... and waited...

And she never got off. So he went into the bus to look for her.

The bus was empty.

And she wasn't there.

At this point, John was livid. LIVID, I TELL YOU. And if you know John, then you know what this means right?

We spent the next ten minutes running around the school like maniacs, trying to figure out where she could be. The worst thoughts ran through my head - Was she lost, had someone taken her, did she get off at a bus stop when we weren't looking? WHERE WAS SHE OMG.

The principal tried reassuring us that she was fine - if she had gotten on the bus, she was here somewhere.

Then I punched him in the throat. We stared silently as he tried to assure us we'd find her.

Finally, the secretary spoke with the bus driver to confirm that no students were left on the bus and then she made an announcement over the loudspeaker.

After what seemed about a gazillion years later, John finally spotted Evelyn walking down the stairs with a teacher. Apparently she had gotten off the bus and not knowing where to go and having no direction, she simply followed the other older kids upstairs to the 4th and 5th grade classrooms.

Seriously, people. What... the....*BLEEP*

When we attended the open house last week, we were assured. ASSURED. that the kindergarten students would be greeted at the bus and taken to the appropriate classroom. So what the hell happened today? I understand the first day of school can be hectic and disorganized but someone needs to figure this all out. Learn to deal with the hectic and disorganized and take care of my child, damn it!

After speaking with the principal, John was still very upset and we were both hesitant to leave her at school. We watched her through the doorway for a few minutes and then reluctantly made our way into the school parking lot.

Initially I had planned to just meet her at the bus stop after school but I think I am going to head over to the school before 3 and watch her physically get on her bus and then I'm going to be glued to that bus until it reaches our bus stop. Then I'm going to scoop her up, take her home and lock the door behind me.

This day is the most stressful ever. and it's not even lunchtime.